story of my life- ranting

I just don´t know what´s going on with me anymore. I´ve finished my first year of Design degree in Madrid, you could say kind of successfully since I passed, but I myself don´t feel really satisfied and feel quite disapointed. My head really hurts since I can´t really sleep during nights and wake up during the afternoon, I am quite a mess.

I really like drawing, and I think I still want to draw something, but nothing good comes out or I just don´t have the strengh to go sit there and draw. So I haven´t been drawing for a while. I don´t really feel like listening to music, it just makes my head hurt. I stopped playing the viola and the piano this year, well I still played the piano from time to time, but I lost the motivation to do so.

I used to like tidying my room, but I haven´t in ages, and now that I am finally home, I just don´t know what to do, besides sleeping and eating. Not even watching tv series really appeals me.

I don´t really feel like hanging out with my friends because I think I should be home doing something productive, like unpacking the suitcases (it´s been over a month since I returned home) and you could say that almost all my worries have been eased except for where I´ll be living next year.

I know that deep down I don´t want to do this, and that I really want to do all the things I´ve been yearning for all this hard year of University but it seems that right now I just can´t...

I have a few penpals and it´s been more than a year since I last replied to any of them. I don´t really know what to do. There are the Christmas greetings I prepared, waiting there to be sent.

Feeling gloomy? I don´t know. I know for sure that there are people out there that envy me and my life, I don´t really understand as for why. Well, maybe I do. Think of the people living in Africa or the homeless or yeah, I do understand. I know I am able to do well academically, but even that is starting to fall apart. I can´t even play the viola properly, not to mention the piano which is my speciality. My grades in some subjects are awful no matter how much effort and time I invest in it and I can´t do anything to change that: even the teacher told me that I tried, but it was not enough...

I am just not for that. I am actually studying something I chose myself, something I like but still, I don´t know what´s wrong with me. Maybe I just need some rest and somebody to tell me everything is gonna be okay.

As for the love part, I used to feel like there was nobody who would actually get to like me since I am Chinese, and this is Spain, a completely different country, but over the time people proved me wrong once again. I can be loved regardless of where I am from. Even so, I would really like to know how it feels like to love and to be loved back.

I also don´t feel like my artistic abilities are being recognised. I am fully aware how difficult it is to find recognition, but still, I keep losing followers on instagram, where I am most active. Also, children theses days are all so tallented it makes me envy them a lot.

I used to think I used tobe quite cool, being able to draw, play the viola and the piano, getting good grades and scholarships, speaking Spanish, Catalan, English and Shanghainese fluently and knowing a bit of Mandarin and French. I feel fat too. My eyesight is beyond cure, I am more tan halfway to becoming blind and I am not even exaggerating. Last year my doctor told me there were not more glasses available, thus I should start wearing contacts, which I think, have made my eyesight even worse.

I don´t even know why I am even writing this or if there will even be a person reading it but at least I have written it.

I know this is quite personal but I felt like I had to put it out somewhere, not on Facebook since a lot of people there would be like "what is wrong with you?" or just worry too much. I don´t want that either.Just casually ranting or opening my heart before someone would send me straigh to the psicologist.

Love
Cutekawaii96

I think that also explains why I haven´t been posting anything at all, if ther eare no drawings then there is nothing to post. Moreover, I just can´t keep up the things I start. Not even a blog or a deviantart page without going MIA.

thank you for being there, I will regain my confidence someday I hope.